Who I would’ve been

Hello My name is Kaitlynn McGregor actually it’s not. This is a pen-name that I gave to myself over 24 year ago. I always wanted to be a writer. As a young girl I filled endless black & white composition books with my ramblings about life and poems I had written. Sadly I destroyed every single one of them in a moment of weakness. I have few regrets in my life, but tossing those books might have to be added to the list.

My mom was an avid reader. Many years ago she had read a novel with a main character named Kaitlynn McGregor. She loved the name and had proclaimed if only she had read the book years prior she would have most certainly named me Kaitlynn.

I am not sure how I will pull this off… trying to keep a certain level of privacy to who I really am. I have another blog and I felt held back a bit by my past experience and my new life. I didn’t want to muddy those pages where I was creating lasting memories about family and child rearing and the ugly truth about where I’ve been.

I do however, feel that my soul cries out for a place to write and purge itself without feeling like it may be too much. Too scary. Too ugly and too hurtful to mix in with smiling cute portraits of my children and loving new husband. So here is where I lay it all out like I did so many years ago among the blue lined paper, bound within the black & white hard cover of the comp books for nearly $.99.

A bit of me:

I am motherless: my mom died of breast cancer in December of 2001, after a long agonizing 3 year battle, where I watched all the best parts of her die before she finally lost the fight of her life.

Several months after my mother died I swallowed an entire bottle of pills, without truly wanting to kill myself, my anti-depressents failed me. I was voluntarily hospitalized for 13 days after the incident

I am divorced & we share 2 children, who currently reside full time with their father

I was in a crazy weird relationship for 3 years immediately following my divorce with an alcoholic and he was a sex addict

I survived six LONG fucking crazy years in a dysfunctional, physically & emotionally unhealthy relationship. While in this relationship I moved out of the country 2X and lived in 5 different states. I have lived in an abandon building without heat or electricity. I have lived in my car, a tent, in other people’s homes and bathed at my local gym.I have stolen way more items than I truly care to share & I am not proud of it.

I sought therapy after narrowly escaping our last and final argument, in which my ex-threatened to kill me by “breaking my arms and my legs and beating me with the bloody stumps.”

I swore off men. Focused on recovery & solely on my children. Became an avid mad crazy runner and during this time I met the love of my life and am now in a healthy, happy, marriage, but don’t be mistaken it’s not perfect, we are just perfect for each other.

Thanks for being here. For support. For enduring the words that will cover these pages and for not judging me because after all, you have not walked in my shoes.

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