Dark Cloak

The last few days have been dark, despite the blue sky and the brilliant sunlight sparkling just outside the windows of my home. It feels like there is a cloak shrouded over me and I hover between here and there.

There’s a little one, who beacons me, and I am forced to crawl out of bed and face the day.

I feel every bone, muscle fiber, and inch of my skin. My appetite, usually a hearty one, has waned. I sleepily walk to the coffee pot like a robot on autopilot and get my fix.

What exactly is my problem? I just got my menstrual cycle so I know I am not pregnant. PMS has passed so my unusual sensitivity is questionable.

Last night my husband came home late and I had already put the little one down and was edgy, short-tempered, and frustrated. He works long days and is home late most nights. I adore him, but hate his job. As he sat down on the bed next to me, I began declaring just how done I was, how tired, how ready I was to move from the albatross of a house (it’s currently up for sale~AGAIN!) and start a new life away from the one he had with his previous wife. I barely squeaked out the words and began sobbing.

I thought this would be good for me. I thought I would just come over here, start an anonymous blog, purge myself of the evil craziness, and then go about my day living my happy little life.

I have been yanked backwards by my freshly colored hair that is sporting a permanent pony tail these days, revisiting things I have buried, tucked away, and tried desperately to forget.

I looked at my husband after he tried tenderly to feed me words of encouragement, love, and support and I whimpered, “I had no idea how difficult this would be. Telling my story, via the blog, is a lot harder than I would’ve imagined!”

He says, “You don’t have to write about it if it’s too painful.”

I look at him again, wiping away my tears, taking a deep long inhale and then exhaling I say, “Yes, I do!”

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3 thoughts on “Dark Cloak

  1. I’ve lived this, had myself yanked backwards as I write. There is emotional fallout, and it’s best to not ignore it. It takes some time to get your emotions to understand what your head knows… that you’re not there anymore. I hope you can keep from feelings of guilt and shame as you deal with the fallout.. it’s a natural emotional reaction. And write when you need to, and when you feel brave. Don’t force it, or feel like your readers will wander off and forget about you if you don’t post for a few days, or a week, or 10 days. Write it as it comes. Just some words from someone who dredges up stuff and has to deal with the fallout too.

    I’m so glad you’re with your husband, and have his support, and his arms to hold you. I haven’t had that as I’ve written my heart out on my blog. I know you’ve been where I am too, in that way. *HUG*

    • Jenna, You are wise! Thank you for the advice, it is well received and appreciated. It’s hard not to want to purge your heart out and empty all the sickness onto pages and pages of empty space. I did not expect it to drain me and take me back to places I thought I had long since left behind. I know it will come and there is no time line or expectation. Only the one’s I have set for myself. I was silent for so many years. Few know what I have gone through, except my therapist and even then it was small details here and there. Hell, even I don’t know what to believe anymore, lying so often, hiding reality, fabricating. Am I lying to myself?? Sound familiar?? The death grip that takes hold is suffocating and I want to be free to breath more deeply. Hopefully this is where I can let out a little air, one story at time.

  2. People use blogging for many reasons, and one of the most important ones (in my humble opinion) is healing. Yours is a tough, painful journey, obviously. But please keep writing. Healing is cyclical and takes time, and while writing/blogging won’t fix things, it will most certainly provide a conduit for organizing your thoughts as well as letting off steam. I have different battles and struggles than you do, but I completely understand your need to go through this process. I think your writing is lovely and your words touch my heart. I hope that helps in some way. I’m happy your are here!

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